This is how it feels to be the child of a suicidal parent

There hasn’t been a day since being 11 years old that I wasn’t prepared for my Mother to die. There is no scenario in which my mind has not investigated or planned; from her funeral, what I shall say, how I will feel, who will judge me as the cause of her death. This is not due to a macabre obsession or a morbid wish, this is how it feels to be the child of a suicidal parent.

My Mother has Bipolar Disorder, she was diagnosed when I was a toddler after seeking help because she couldn’t connect with me and feared she didn’t love me. My awareness of her illness was not completely realised until attending secondary school, before this point my Mother was a workaholic and never cried, she was a passionate, opinionated, clever woman who people loved to be around, the life and soul of most parties and fancied by most men. Always doing what she wanted when she wanted and never apologised for living her life. Even when she would drop me off to friends so she could meet men on trips away or when she made fun of my weight or told me I was too sensitive or too serious – my adoration for her was impenetrable, thinking of her as the best Mother in the world and wanting to be just like her.

However my Mother had a sever break down. Suddenly this vibrant woman was in bed, unable to get up, dress herself or wash, her room was dark and filled with cigarette smoke. This made no sense to me, I did not understand why she had changed; it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers – this wasn’t my Mother. Suddenly she was crying all the time and she didn’t want to do anything, she would watch daytime TV in bed and would be surrounded by books, paper and food wrappers.

Life hadn’t been easy up until now for many reasons for both of us, having experienced depression and loneliness at the age of seven, this new darkness took it’s toll and this was when I started self harming. After seeing a program on a TV talk show about self harmers, after hearing of how these people felt the pain go away and that they actually felt even better whilst cutting, this seemed like the ideal relief. Knowing my Mother had lots of books on psychology and psychiatry I asked her if she had anything on self harm and said it was for a school project, (which for the early 90’s would have been very progressive). My Mother found me a book on self harm and I took it to my room and started to plan my first cut.

A few weeks later I caught my Mother in the bath weeping and cutting herself with razor blades, a mess of tears and blood through the crack of the bathroom door. Shocked that she did it too, shocked that she was in pain and devastated that I had possibly caused it or was going to cause more. In hindsight this is when my Mother and I truly severed our relationship, it was the beginning of the end, even though we were almost on the same page, my need for a parent and stability and her need to be alone and have no responsibilities was like a knife slicing our family tie.

Soon after this my Mother tried to kill herself and she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I was left at home alone with our 18 year old lodger (who was very unwell herself) and was allowed to do what I wanted, structure and adult care went out the window. Upon turning 12 I stole some sleeping pills from our lodger and tried to kill myself, instead of dying, sleep was all that was achieved for almost two days and awaking to the realisation that the darkness still existed, there were still no adults or safety.

From this point on, again and again, my Mother tried to kill herself or self harmed to the point of needing hospital treatment. This is when preparation for the inevitable was my only solus – her death. Having lost my best friend to suicide and many other friends; suicide became such a possible outcome that I started being unable to determine when my Mother was actually in danger.  She would say “If I didn’t have you I would die” or “I want to die – there is no point”, always reminding me of how much I didn’t understand, how no one understood – when all the while I understood more than she knew.

After several hospital admissions, 17 ECT sessions and continued private therapy from her psychiatrist on Harley Street in London, it was clear my Mothers condition was getting worse, no cocktail of drugs seemed to help and the bipolarity of her disorder caused havoc on our lives. My Mother experiences mixed states with her Bipolar Disorder which cause her to be irritable, to have high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and over-activity with agitation and becomes an even higher risk of suicide.

This effected me as a child and teen and still does now as an adult. The instability of her impulsiveness, her recklessness and her allowing me freedoms that other children envied, which I did not like or want, I envied the children who sat down for dinner, who had curfew, got money for chores, did homework with their parents, had rules; whose parents wouldn’t discuss anal sex with your friends or discuss their many sexual escapades. In mixed states of mania she would become aggressive, argumentative and so unkind that this emotional abuse still causes me sever pain till this day; name calling, screaming, mental abuse and belittling me with the advantage of not remembering what she had said or done when she was feeling “better”.

There is one act which however hard I try – my mind cannot understand it. When I was raped at 15 and hospitalised as suicide is all I wanted, my Mother made my rape about her and ended up abandoning me and admitting herself to a private hospital (with room service, massages, ice cream) whilst she had stopped my private health insurance (as you do) so I had to go into a mixed boy/girl NHS adolescent unit situated on an old Victorian asylum ground. How could my Mother consider suicide when her baby had been violently raped, operated on due to the rape and then hospitalised? The doctors would ask me how I felt about her doing this, I would always protect her regardless of the fact I was so hurt and felt so unloved.

At 17 she became physical with me on the day I was moving out as I could not take living with her anymore, this truly became my only option to survive, she began to shake me, she slapped me and then she tried to push me into a single pane glass window on the fourth floor of our apartment building. In amidst of this she was shouting at me that I was a whore and that I had probably made up my rape. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) had to pull her off me and at the age of 19 had to confront her with some very stern words and managed to get me out of there.

Another aspect of her mixed states is that of mass overspending which she has done to the extent that all our family money is gone – to be fair my Father contributed to this too with his mental break down. However my Mother seemed to have plenty of money to buy Louis Vuitton bags and accessories, take long haul trips and buy expensive cars, but when money started to get tighter and tighter as the money became less and less, she became selfish and from 17 to 22 let me be homeless, go hungry and I had no access to medical care or dental care, I was very unwell at this time so needed a lot of extra support – but her need to keep up appearances and maintain some of her luxurious lifestyle came before my needs. Anyway it was my own fault after all for being a bad child.

My Mother withdrew from life, hers and mine and as a consequence her sadness took over our relationship and her own guilt for how she has treated me – chokes her just enough to say what a terrible Mother she was or is, something which makes me want to protect her, deny and tell her all is fine, I am fine and she is fine. But her withdrawal made me withdraw from her more an more emotionally, so to not get hurt when she eventually kills herself. Hugging her is painful, when she cries I want to stuff a sock in her mouth – when she complains about her life I want to be anywhere but near her.

Loving my Mother is not hard, liking her is impossible at this point and wanting to have a relationship with her is damaging. However the feeling that at any moment I shall get a call telling me she has died is always there, the preparations are always in place and the guilt consumes me. The illness, the Bipolar Disorder is not my Mother however her core personality and ability to care and love for me is a mixture of narcissism and emotional blackmail.

Who knows what will happen with our relationship, all that is evident to me at this point is for anything to be possible with regards to my Mother is a question of recovery and acceptance. Not forgiveness, we do not need to forgive abuse, however accepting it happened, and that it was not my fault is probably a better focus than my obsession that she will take her own life.


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Waiting for a sign – Art and Poetry By Charlotte Farhan

Waiting for a sign – By Charlotte Farhan

 


Waiting for a sign – By Charlotte Farhan

Signs are like spoken word
pictures form sentences
letters are transferred
meaning is given
through penmanship
or even when blurred
the beginning of us
the metaphor of genesis
or the theatre of the absurd.

When waiting for a sign
one knows what to look for
the mind conjures meaning
without knowing or seeing
which is hard to ignore
constructed from nothing
like an imaginary being
or with warnings
such as folklore.

Stabilise the interpretations
surrounding images with words
linguistic messages
can appear as
two lonely song birds
harmonious relations
between sight and sound
so that signs
can be undeterred
in our expectations
of communications
when unheard.

 


If you have any feedback on this piece of art or poetry please fill in this form below:

Introspection – Art and Philosophy by Charlotte Farhan

 

Introspection - By Charlotte Farhan

Introspection – By Charlotte Farhan

 


 

Are there two worlds, one physical and one mental?
Can we experience both with a conscious awareness? 
What is introspection and how does one use it?

These questions were “in my mind” when creating this piece of art, as a student of philosophy and psychology the idea and practice of introspection – caused me to introspectively ponder the dualism of my body and mind, my consciousness of the physical self and the internal self.

Is my perception of what is thought in my mind governed by my external experiences?

In philosophy:

Introspection is a process that generates, or is aimed at generating, knowledge, judgements, or beliefs about:

  • mental events, states, or processes, and not about affairs outside one’s mind,
  • or beliefs about one’s own mind only and no one else’s,
  • about one’s currently ongoing mental life only; or, alternatively (or perhaps in addition) immediately past (or even future) mental life, within a certain narrow temporal window.

In psychology:

Introspection is considered to be the process of “looking inward”, self analysis to understand and know ones self better. In fact this idea was what caused psychology and the theory of mind to branch out from philosophy with Wilhelm Wundt analysing the workings of the mind in a more structured way, with the emphasis being on objective measurement and control hence why he is considered the father of psychology.

 

“Nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses, except the intellect itself.”

Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz

We do not continuously introspect and it is not an automatic occurrence such as breathing, it is a reflective task on one’s own internal mental state – not unconscious, as we are aware of this monitoring and analysis. Introspection is comprised of attitudes and conscious experiences; our beliefs, desires  and intentions as well as emotions and sensory experiences.

How do we know our own minds?

It is our first person access which privileges us with the awareness of self – how can we be wrong about our own internal perspective. Other minds can not know other minds, it is an exclusive “way in” which only ourselves are attendees with unshared knowledge. However being aware of your own inner workings does not mean one can truly know our own minds with authority; as they are small internal universes with expanses of undiscovered planets and solar systems.

Is there nothing that we can know about our minds with authority?

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things from the standpoint of redemption. Knowledge has no light but that shed on the world by redemption: all else is reconstruction, mere technique.

Theodor W. Adorno, Minima Moralia

Introspection is considered by most to be a short lived state, some suggest from “The Inner Sense” view that our minds operate like a scanning machine which monitors certain thoughts and sensations.

“The word introspection need hardly be defined – it means, of course, the looking into our own minds and reporting what we there discover.” (William James, Principles of Psychology. Cambridge, MA: Harvard 1890/1981, p. 85)

Is self knowledge achieved solely by introspection?

Many philosophers an psychologists have claimed that the only way we can determine our own mind is from the observations of our own behaviour; the way we determine others is no different to ourselves. Gilbert Ryle argued that our first person experience of our own mental states is due to the fact we can not leave ourselves, we are always present within ourselves – as ourselves.

Is self knowledge an epistemic phenomenon?

There have been many claims that self knowledge is infallible and that we are omniscient about our own mental states; that upon being in a particular state of mind and knowing this to be happening, is sufficient evidence that there is self knowledge of this state. However does this ring true; or are we really “all knowing” and in charge of our own faculties enough at all times to be omniscient about our mental states?

“I think therefore I am –  je pense, donc je suis – Cogito ergo sum”

René Descartes (1637) Discourse on the Method of Rightly Conducting One’s Reason and of Seeking Truth in the Sciences 

Descartes’ Cogito ergo sum argument (Descartes 1641/1895), is the proposition which demonstrates that if you (the thinker) is paying close attention to your own thoughts, that not even a “powerful evil genius” who is able to control your thoughts and deceive you – can not mislead you into doubting your ability to think and therefore confirms you existence as a thinking individual.

In 1641, Descartes published (in Latin) Meditations on first philosophy in which he referred to the proposition, though not explicitly as “cogito ergo sum” in Meditation II:
(Latin:) hoc pronuntiatum: ego sum, ego existo,[c] quoties a me profertur, vel mente concipitur, necessario esse verum.
(English:) this proposition: I am, I exist, whenever it is uttered from me, or conceived by the mind, necessarily is true.

Introspection literally means “looking within” in its description it illustrates a metaphor which expresses the split between the “inner” world and the “external” world. There is an opposite view called the “Transparency View” which suggests that by looking outwardly, into the state of the world we determine our own thoughts – by “looking through” the transparent (introspective) mental states we posses, reflecting what it is like to have an experience with mind-independent objects.

What is “the ghost in the machine”?

The phrase was introduced in Ryle’s book The Concept of Mind (1949) and was a criticism of the Dualism theories within philosophy especially from Descartes. Ryle rejected the idea that mental states are separate to physical states, referring to this idea and distinction between mind and matter as “the ghost in the machine”, his main criticism being that logically – mind and matter are not within the same categories:

“it represents the facts of mental life as if they belonged to one logical type/category, when they actually belong to another. The dogma is therefore a philosopher’s myth.”

A category mistake is the mistake of assigning something to a category to which it does not belong or misrepresenting the category to which something belongs. For Ryle this means that the term “mind” and other terms which refer to mental states are often categorised inadequately; treating the “mind” as a thing, an object or even an entity. When it could be believed that physical processes are mechanical, whereas mental ones are “para-mechanical”.

Ryle believed that there was a dogmatic “official doctrine” which leads to unchallenged views to their own detriment:

There is a doctrine about the nature and place of the mind which is prevalent among theorists, to which most philosophers, psychologists and religious teachers subscribe with minor reservations. Although they admit certain theoretical difficulties in it, they tend to assume that these can be overcome without serious modifications being made to the architecture of the theory…. [the doctrine states that] with the doubtful exceptions of the mentally-incompetent and infants-in-arms, every human being has both a body and a mind. … The body and the mind are ordinarily harnessed together, but after the death of the body the mind may continue to exist and function. 

(Ryle, Gilbert, The Concept of Mind (1949); The University of Chicago Press edition, Chicago, 2002, p 11)

The difference between Descartes and Ryle is the “inner” or “outer” view of the mind. Are we a ghost in the machine or are our mental states dispositions, to engage in bodily activity?

For me neither of these view points are adequate enough to explain the concept of mind and introspection, however they draw light on further questions to be asked in order to find more answers.

Introspection is a tool none the less which our minds use in order to ponder ourselves from our conscious thoughts, beliefs and judgements (whether external to us through behaviour or internal to us in a dualistic sense). It is our secret window which allows us private access into our internal selves (which no other can experience) .

[It is] impossible for any one to perceive, without perceiving that he does perceive. When we see, hear, smell, taste, feel, meditate, or will any thing, we know that we do so.

(Locke 1689/1975 II.27.ix)


 

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Stephen Fry, we the victims – who survived; are not taking your freedom of speech away, so please don’t silence our voices

AprilIsSAAM

This morning in a suicidal state of flashbacks and being locked in by reliving trauma, my eyes glanced over Twitter and saw that Stephen Fry was trending, so out of concern – immediately clicked the hashtag to see what was going on. Having admired Stephen Fry for so long, he has been someone I have followed and supported, he has championed open dialogue on mental illness, made me laugh, inspired me to take direct action and speak out about my own mental illnesses and trauma, as well as me wanting him to be my Father from a young age; as I saw him as a empathetic and caring man, which believe me; my Father was not.

I was a victim of child sexual abuse from the age of four to six, by a family member, I was raped violently at the age of 15 by a boy at my school, this resulted in me having internal surgery and being admitted to a psychiatric ward, in the psychiatric ward I was sexually assaulted twice by two different male patients.

As A Victim I Survived - By Charlotte Farhan

As A Victim I Survived – By Charlotte Farhan

This is what Stephen Fry said:

“It’s a great shame and we’re all very sorry that your uncle touched you in that nasty place – you get some of my sympathy – but your self-pity gets none of my sympathy.”

“Self-pity is the ugliest emotion in humanity,” he said. “Get rid of it, because no one’s going to like you if you feel sorry for yourself. The irony is, we’ll feel sorry for you if you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Grow up.”

The context to this was on censorship and “safe places” on the internet as well as Trigger Warnings.

Here is the full interview:

Regardless of the context the words he used are unacceptable, the stigma he has further created is appalling and the silencing of victims who survived is unforgivable.

I Am Still Bleeding - By Charlotte Farhan

I Am Still Bleeding – By Charlotte Farhan

Freedom of speech and expression is something very close to my heart as a visual artist and writer, its importance is vital for knowledge, our evolving society and so that everyone can be heard. However it is not as simple as you being able to say whatever comes into your head and then being able to defend your remarks with the excuse of “freedom of speech”, it is far more complicated than this if we wish to use our enlightenment to progress as a better global community.

 

Now I know a lot about “safe places” and “trigger warnings” as a survivor – who speaks out and has a large following across platforms. With a great number of followers who are in recovery from sexual abuse, sexual violence and rape I am very aware of the dangers we face by being triggered. You see we suffer from PTSD or even C-PTSD (which I have) which means we are not 100% in control of our minds and behaviours, so when we hear or see triggers it could be enough to push us over the edge or cause ourselves harm. My latest art, poetry and writing is about my experiences as a victim who survived, I do not feel any censorship over my work just because I have added a helpful safety warning about possible triggers, giving my followers the choice.

Head on a Stick - By Charlotte Farhan

Head on a Stick – By Charlotte Farhan

We have little choice anywhere in life as survivors, our minds are a continuous reel of pain and shame; rape and pedophile jokes are everywhere, people use the word rape in trivialising ways to describe normal day to day occurrences, such as “my Facebook was raped”; we see depictions of rape and incest being glamorized in film and on TV, we hear about it in the news everyday…

So when we wish to speak out about our trauma or read about someone else’s we should be able to use these helpful reminders and warnings without being persecuted further.

Being judged as self pitying children who need to grow up is exactly what we fear most when sharing our stories of survival.

I was a child when my abuse started – a four year old girl, this four year old girl is still alive inside me, she is still scared and feels so much shame, Stephen Fry told my little girl to “grow up”, he told all the children who are still being abused right now – to “grow up”. Something they do without choice far too early.

People are now worried for Stephen Fry as he is a Bipolar sufferer, people defending him and excusing his behaviour all because he is mentally ill, however – who is rushing to defend us? Most of us are not privileged to have such amazing private care as Stephen Fry does for his mental health, some of us are not fortunate enough to have loving families and friends who will take care of us, a lot of us are alone in this, today we feel even more isolated.

Being someone who suffers from a long list of severe mental illnesses I can assure you our mental health is no excuse for holding such stigmatising opinions. In trying to be “funny” Stephen Fry used his position and platform in the public eye to ridicule victims. With this he has exposed how rape culture is alive and kicking on this planet, how victim blaming is easier for people than empathy and kindness. That your right to offend and hurt others is more important to you than the safety of us. Is it really that awful that we add a trigger warning, does this upset you more than we the victims are traumatized.

Bad Child - Crazy Girl By Charlotte Farhan

Bad Child – Crazy Girl By Charlotte Farhan

So upon reading Stephen Fry’s comments on how we should “grow up”, I have been triggered and it is my freedom of speech to say so!

Experiencing a relapse in my recovery recently, this is raw for me right now. My life is so hard due to my C-PTSD, I can’t go out alone and have not done so for 9 years, I have physical pain where I was violated, flashbacks, night terrors and so many more things which I don’t care to get into right now.

Now comments and attitudes which reveal the rape culture we live in – full of victim blaming and silencing, as people defend Stephen Fry (on social media and in the general media) is clogging up our screens, pushing us further underground but fear not as his “rights” (Stephen Fry’s) to take our lives into his hands is preserved, but our right to safe places isn’t, for fear of upsetting people?

Today has been made even harder by this, it will enter into the voices we hear daily in our minds, which muzzle us and tell us we are nothing but a burden.

Charlotte Farhan Status on Stephen Fry

Charlotte Farhan Status on Stephen Fry

Stephen Fry is the president of Mind the mental health charity here in the UK.

Here is a link to Mind’s statement and a statement of apology from Stephen Fry

CLICK HERE

 

cptsd quote

I Can’t Look Forward – Art and Poetry – By Charlotte Farhan – Reflecting the physical and emotional struggles of having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I Can't Look Forward - By Charlotte Farhan

I Can’t Look Forward – By Charlotte Farhan

I Can’t Look Forward

By Charlotte Farhan

In memories I continue to relive,
not able to endure this universes reality,
my amygdala is highly combative,
the fragmented pieces falling from my dead family tree.

Infected fear filled eyes, like sores from the past,
in the depths of hell, everyone is deranged,
truth sees me branded as an iconoclast,
putrid and filthy I’m seen as the estranged.

The dysfunction of my mind continues to breed,
my hippocampus withering as neurons disintegrate,
dissociated in this mad world of misdeeds,
my prefrontal cortex had no time to decontaminate,

My illness is physical which you can’t see,
I have been rearranged internally,
this sickness inside, a screaming apogee,
with my outward mask fixed eternally.

Eyes alert and looking to the past,
like a bête noire lost with nowhere to go,
the trigger is pulled with a loud blast,
night terrors and flashbacks are the ammo.

We are not all soldiers of war back from global battle,
many of us suffer without being part of the bloodshed,
instead our bodies have been used as personal chattel,
We knew our survival would not cause for medals or tears shed.


This painting and poem reflects the physical and emotional struggles of having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how the world reserves compassion for soldiers of war who have this illness but do not extend the same benevolence to victims of sexual violence and rape, who are a larger number of affected people.

I am one of these survivors; using my art, poetry and writing to raise awareness of the aftermath from being abused, assaulted and raped. As well as to help prevent these acts from continuing and to explain how rape culture in part of the every day fabric of life, which goes unnoticed, but is highly dangerous to us as a global community.

If you have any questions on my work, if you wish for me to exhibit in your gallery or would like to purchase a piece , please contact me via the form below, thank you.

Art by Charlotte Farhan

The Able in This Diverse Universe writing competition – focusing on ableism, disability, access and overcoming.

 

I am so honoured to be one of the Judges for the Able in This Diverse Universe writing competition alongside Karrie Higgins, Professor Dr. Kwame Brown and Jacqueline Cioffa.

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Find out about the other judges of this very important competition by clicking the link: Meet the Judges for Able in This Diverse Universe

Able in This Diverse Universe Essay Competition

So how and what is this all about?

“Established essayist and word-mage Karrie Higgins invites you to participate in a nonfiction writing competition on the themes of ableism, disability, access and overcoming. All submissions fees benefit the training and care of Noah Ainslie’s future Autism service dog, Appa. This competition will also serve to raise awareness of invisible illness and ableist bias.

Noah’s neurodiversity often manifests as sensory overwhelm. He has been learning coping mechanisms for six years, but still visibly struggles when it comes to conforming to neurotypical standards. He is high function on the spectrum which means he doesn’t “look like” he’s disabled. He is subjected to ableist expectations, often very aggressively and in public.

With Appa’s help, Noah will have access to the public spaces his anxiety prevents him from entering. More importantly, Noah will have a companion who loves him for who he is and does not judge his inability to conform to ableist public standards. To learn more about Noah, visit his GoFundMe page.”

Thank you from Appa and Noah.

Thank you from Appa and Noah.

Follow this link to enter the competition:

https://honeyquill.submittable.com/submit/50077

To enter this competition, please use the following guidelines for all submissions.Your work should be:

  • nonfiction
  • no more than 2,000 words
  • in PDF or docx format
  • without identifying information in your document as judging will be blind 

All entries are require a $15 submission fee which will directly benefit Noah and Appa. You are welcome to enter as many times as you want.

This competition will run from December , 2015 – February 29, 2016. Winners will be notified March 31, 2016.

The winning essayists will receive $250 cash, and publication on Karrie’s website, A True Testimony. Second and third place winners will also receive awards. 

Four Paws for Noah

Four Paws for Noah

Please get involved with this!

You can:

enter the competition

donate to the GoFundMe page

share this with friends and family via social media or email

This is such an important cause and the issues we are asking you to address, affect so many, including myself.

I am also in the process of getting a service dog for my agoraphobia and PTSD.

I live in an able world where I too have been rejected and expected to “fit in” or expected to accept defeat, so please for people such as myself and Noah, support this with an open heart and mind.

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Thank you for reading xxx

 

A Chance to Win a FREE Original Painting by Charlotte Farhan

Art by Charlotte Farhan

To thank you all for the amazing support this year I am offering you all a chance to win an original painting by me!

These paintings are from some of my most popular collections and have been exhibited in galleries many times. Now you can own one for FREE if you take part in the special CHRISTMAS GIVEAWAY!

5 Winners
5 Paintings

For a chance to win one of these 5 paintings all you have to do is take a look at the paintings below, choose your favourite, fill in the contact form below and share this post with your friends via Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

The winners will be picked at random and will receive the painting they chose as their favourite when filling out the form and will be contacted via email  within 24hrs of the winners being announced on Monday the 21st of December 2015.

THE GIVEAWAY IS OPEN WORLDWIDE!

You can also enter the competition and find terms and conditions for this giveaway by following this link ——> http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/f29248811/?

Dont forget to share this with your friends and family.

Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for the New Year!

Artist Charlotte Farhan

Artist Charlotte Farhan
Makeup and photography by Lisa Reeve

 

Art Spotlight – The Broken Willow

The Broken Willow – By Charlotte Farhan

The Broken Willow - By Charlotte Farhan

The Broken Willow – By Charlotte Farhan

 

She is a broken willow tree,

she searches for love to nourish her bones,

nurturing her roots from her lake of tears,

wishing for rolling grass and open meadows to plant herself.

Once she was child,

found underneath her family tree,

blame has never been claimed,

she has been crying now for forever,

begging for arms to embrace her,

their hands will never be clean,

whilst they hold on to that skeleton key.

“Take caution” she says,

they leave so effortlessly,

scars are left open,

unclean,

she screams for forgiveness relentlessly.

Softly touching the ground,

the autumnal willow cascades like blood,

she feels something die inside,

the cracks are forming,

she knows she will break into pieces,

she whispers one last time for them,

even though love was denied.

Once abandoned she starts to lay herself to rest,

lowering her head and closing her eyes,

content with the silence now,

her emotions have been buried alive,

she is a broken willow tree.

(written by Charlotte Farhan) 

The Broken Willow - By Charlotte Farhan

The Broken Willow – By Charlotte Farhan

If you are interested in this artwork for your collection, for an exhibition, charity event or would like to buy a print, please use the form below:

 

 

 

 

PTSD AWARENESS ART – Pain and Detachment – By Charlotte Farhan​

Pain and Detachment – By Charlotte Farhan​

Pain and Detachment - By Charlotte Farhan

The pain from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) infects the mind like poisonous thorns and then to alleviate the suffering the mind detaches into a dissociative state. Leaving reality and separating me from the real world.

The PTSD I suffer with is due to childhood abuse from a family member and is also due to being raped at 15 violently.

PTSD is often only associated with war veterans, but many other traumatic events can cause this. Rape, sexual violence and domestic violence victims are a very high percentage of sufferers.

ptsd-for-primary-care-providers-under-the-new-dsm-8-638

Some Facts on Rape

 “Globally, about one in three women will be beaten or raped during their lifetime. About 44 per cent of all UK women have experienced either physical or sexual violence since they were 15-years-old. Britain ranks among the worst countries in Europe when it comes to women being violently abused.”

“1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).

“The most recent UK government statistics estimated about 78,000 people in the UK have become rape or attempted rape victims, and about 9,000 are men. Research suggests that the notoriously low report rate is particularly true among male victims. About 1,250 incidents of male-victim rape were reported to the police in 2011-2012.”

“The year in a male’s life when he is most likely to be the victim of a sexual assault is age 4. A female’s year of greatest risk is age 14.”

“Approximately 4/5 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.”

For more info visit RAINN and Rape Crisis England and Wales

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If you have PTSD or suspect you have find out more here and how to get help.

Quote by Artist Charlotte Farhan

If you are interested in this artwork for your collection, for an exhibition, charity event or would like to buy a print, please use the form below:

 

I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan – Art and Poetry

I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan

 

I Ripped out my Heart - By Charlotte Farhan

I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan

I couldn’t feel anything today,

not one feeling was felt,

shadows of the world like ghosts,

haunted memories locked in,

set to continuously replay.

Desolation in my mind created an echoing sound,

my thoughts rattled in my head like pennies in a box,

my emotions running like deer on a hunting ground.

I slowly began to itch the itch,

the one burrowing into my thorax,

the one which seemed neverending like a bottomless ditch.

Ripping into my torso,

hacking at my ribs as if they were a rotten enclosure.

I started to pick away at my flesh,

trying to get to the prickling feeling deep inside,

pulling up my lungs as if they were a bloody mesh.

My chest felt tight and the constrictions of my rib cage felt like a prison,

All my thoughts turned to the release I would feel if I just reached inside,

my blood is beautifully glistening the purest crimson.

Soon I heard it,

the deep thumping of my heart,

burrowing deeper my hand suddenly felt it,

pulsating in my grip.

The feeling is like none experienced before,

the more I squeezed the better it felt,

as if I were the captor and it my prisoner of war.

Wanting to never lose this awareness of self,

never wanting to abandon my own heart,

like so many had done before,

debasing me and tearing me apart.

I started to slowly haul it out of my cavity,

the ripping was glorious,

the pain was euphoric,

lost in depravity.

Eventually I was left with my heart in my hand,

as it beat its last beat,

the emptiness returned and the emotions stopped,

holding my heart closer,

I began to deplete.

Just me and my heart,

together at last,

no longer spare parts.

Never letting it go,

never losing my grip,

seeing myself lying below,

the nothingness began again,

the waves of time smashed me into unconsciousness,

I became an abandoned ship.

Agoraphobia - By Charlotte Farhan

From the painting Agoraphobia – By Charlotte Farhan

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