I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan – Art and Poetry

I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan

 

I Ripped out my Heart - By Charlotte Farhan
I Ripped out my Heart – By Charlotte Farhan

I couldn’t feel anything today,

not one feeling was felt,

shadows of the world like ghosts,

haunted memories locked in,

set to continuously replay.

Desolation in my mind created an echoing sound,

my thoughts rattled in my head like pennies in a box,

my emotions running like deer on a hunting ground.

I slowly began to itch the itch,

the one burrowing into my thorax,

the one which seemed neverending like a bottomless ditch.

Ripping into my torso,

hacking at my ribs as if they were a rotten enclosure.

I started to pick away at my flesh,

trying to get to the prickling feeling deep inside,

pulling up my lungs as if they were a bloody mesh.

My chest felt tight and the constrictions of my rib cage felt like a prison,

All my thoughts turned to the release I would feel if I just reached inside,

my blood is beautifully glistening the purest crimson.

Soon I heard it,

the deep thumping of my heart,

burrowing deeper my hand suddenly felt it,

pulsating in my grip.

The feeling is like none experienced before,

the more I squeezed the better it felt,

as if I were the captor and it my prisoner of war.

Wanting to never lose this awareness of self,

never wanting to abandon my own heart,

like so many had done before,

debasing me and tearing me apart.

I started to slowly haul it out of my cavity,

the ripping was glorious,

the pain was euphoric,

lost in depravity.

Eventually I was left with my heart in my hand,

as it beat its last beat,

the emptiness returned and the emotions stopped,

holding my heart closer,

I began to deplete.

Just me and my heart,

together at last,

no longer spare parts.

Never letting it go,

never losing my grip,

seeing myself lying below,

the nothingness began again,

the waves of time smashed me into unconsciousness,

I became an abandoned ship.

Agoraphobia - By Charlotte Farhan
From the painting Agoraphobia – By Charlotte Farhan

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Losing my Identity – Art by Charlotte Farhan

 

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan

Losing My Identity is a depiction of the identity disturbance which people such as myself endure due to having Borderline Personality Disorder.

So imagine living your life with no sense of self, not knowing yourself from your past, present and future, how would this affect your day to day life?

Having a sense of self is something which as a species sets us apart from other animals and is a complicated subject within philosophy and psychology. Your identity is generally made up of your beliefs, attitudes, behaviour, personality, knowledge and what social roles you see yourself in.

Identity is formed in early childhood and then continues to progress and adapt until early adulthood, and by your mid-twenties a secure sense of self is common in most.

BPD QUOTE

We learn primarily from our parents who we are, such as are we “good” or “bad”. This also inturn makes us aware of others and how we relate to them.  With borderline personality disorder, however, the distinction between “good” and “bad” seems to remain as the only two variables in which to see themselves and others. This causes splitting which is the extreme shifting of black and white thinking, from idealisation and devaluation of the self and others.

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan

Here are my accompanying poems which describe each identity which I have felt I am, at different times, never really knowing who is who, or if who I am is real.

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan - The Survivor
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan – The Survivor

 

The Survivor

She looks in control and some call her inspirational,

cold and frank, aggressive in her nature,

always confrontational.

She doesnt need you,

from love to hate she swings,

people have tried, she simply withdrew.

She is a survivor you see,

no need to gasp or stare,

her only goal is to be set free.

Some try and disarm her, given half the chance,

but some know her well,

even at first glance.

She will protect you till the end,

resilient and fierce,

in this girl you can depend.

 

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan - The Fragile One
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan – The Fragile One

 

The Fragile One

She has no skin and could break at the slightest touch,

you rarely see her,

for being in public is simply too much.

Hiding behind her older sister The Survivor,

never allowing the vulnerability to be seen,

in her life she is not the designated driver.

For she is so vulnerable and sick,

infirm and weak,

if you want to offer her help, best be quick.

 

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan - The Benevolent one
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan – The Benevolent One

 

The Benevolent One

She believes in a higher purpose,

knowing we are here for a short time,

negativity is worthless.

Giving of herself always, never saying no,

truly altruistic,

wanting to save you and never let go.

A mother earth without a brood of her own,

offering wise words,

treating you as a precious stone.

She wants to save the world, and is certain she can,

waking up everyday with a mission,

wanting to prevent the fall of man.

 

Losing my Identity - By Charlotte Farhan - The Child
Losing my Identity – By Charlotte Farhan – The Child

 

The Child

She never grew up, she couldn’t you see,

trapped in time, searching for love,

she will give her love away for free.

Crying and screaming is how she speaks,

listen carefully and you may understand,

the tears say more, running down her cheeks.

She loves you, she hates you,

extremes are all she knows,

giving you a lot to live up to.

Building fantasies in her mind,

dreaming of a family who could never exist,

always filled with worry and fear of being left behind.

 

BPD QUOTE

 

For further information on BPD please click here

Thank you for your time…

Artist Charlotte Farhan
Artist Charlotte Farhan

 

Like my Facebook Page

Borderline Thinking for more support and information about Borderline Personality Disorder.

BORDERLINE THINKING

 

 

 

Fair-weather Friend – A Poem by Charlotte Farhan

 

Fair-weather Friend – A Poem by Charlotte Farhan

So you want something from me?
So you take something from me!
You fill my heart with hope and friendship,
then you find some other focus and take it away!
I was once your number one, your right hand chum,
but now I am just that dumb.
I give everything,
that is me.

You promised me you would stand by my side and be my security,
I felt so special I added you to my family tree!
Friendships like these break my heart,
I have always been searching for brothers and sisters,
but have realised I am but a spare part.

You cried for years,
filled my bedroom with tears,
I scooped you up in my arms and helped you swim the sea you had created,
knowing full well how this story was fated!

You see I have a poorly brain and my mind is heavy with nightmares,
which keep me from being free,
always longing to be an escapee.
With this mindset I am open to being used like a forever giving fountain of youth!
But I can’t hurt you by bringing up this truth.
I love you too much to see you hurt,
but instead I sink further, as if you were weighing me down before throwing me to sea
Friendship can be tricky when you are me,
not knowing what to be?

                      Just remember I am not able to carry us alone, you must tend to our garden,                           or our roses will never grow!
I can not be your fair-weather friend,
this path is long and tiresome,
but I know if continued we will reach our dead end.

DON'T LEAVE ME - By Charlotte Farhan
Don’t Leave Me – By Charlotte Farhan

This poem is dedicated to all the friendships I have had which have ended after my Borderline Personality Disorder came between us. Either because I have a tendency to give everything in a friendship, I want to be the best of the rest, I want to be family and be the closest we can be, so I shall do everything for my friends, to my own detriment. Also I have tended to make friends with fickle people or users. Those who saw a chance to get what they could from me and my weakness.

I also recognise that I have had unrealistic expectations in these relationships, I want perfection! Which is unachievable, I have been working on this behaviour a lot and have managed to find ways to stop this from happening so much, stopping myself from projecting this on to my friends and partner. However I still get hurt when perfection is not reached as I would put everything into being perfect and my brain can not understand why others do not do the same? But when I tackle this splitting of the mind I reach the conclusion, (sometimes after hours of tears and anger) that I do not need to be perfect and nor does anyone else.

Borderlines can have very difficult relationships with people, I know for me my most difficult of relationships has been friendships since I was very young. Here are some reasons why:

“Typically individuals with BPD have difficulty trusting others. Irritability and inappropriate anger with temper tantrums may occur. The symptoms of BPD may resemble love addiction. While love addiction is not medically diagnosable, addictive behaviour is difficult to live with. Relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner (friends and family), and cannot tolerate changes in intimacy. Because people will eventually disappoint them, the person with BPD must reconcile their black and white conceptualization. Splitting shields those with the disorder from the anxiety of conflicting emotions.

One study found that those with BPD have a distorted sense of social norms, which impacts their ability to trust or cooperate. When something goes wrong in their relationships, they do not respond in a manner that would repair the damage. By doing so, they limit others from being able to fully cooperate in return.

Individuals with BPD may feel that their emotional needs are not met in a relationship, but they do not have the capacity to assert their emotional needs in a productive and healthy manner. When they do not get what they want or need from the relationship, frustrations arise. Because of the intense fear of loneliness and abandonment, when the relationship is viewed as at risk these individuals may feel extreme anger.”

From borderline-personality-disorder.com

I would like to add that now at 31 years of age I have some amazing friends who not only are aware of my BPD and other illnesses but they are supportive of my on-going treatment and recovery. I have a group of female friends (some I have known since childhood and adolescents) who are such amazing women and so open that I can explain myself to them with ease. I also have a wonderful group of male friends who I feel safe with and one who is like a brother (who I have known since being babies together) I am very fortunate and even though I fear sometimes I shall be abandoned and hated by all, I remember that these people are good people! They ground me and most importantly they allow me to be myself and have fun.

Please visit my BPD – Borderline Thinking Facebook page for more information and support.

 

Friendship Quote