A pressure builds inside my head like a boiling liquid,
spilling out of me, the security lock has been breached.
The fear that anything could escape – this is unscripted,
witnessing my life – my credibility is impeached.
As I get older the locked safe where my darkest thoughts and memories have been kept, since being very young; has started to erode with time. Rusty and old, the hinges are no longer able to hold it all in.
Since starting reliving therapy in 2014 there have been many disturbances to my treatment, such as the NHS only being able to offer 6 weeks and then leaving me worse than before, opened up and dumped.
Then last year I found a therapist which was able to offer a reduced fee (as we are on such a low income) all was going well, even though it was soul-destroying and painful and made me cry in those 6 sessions more than I ever had. Still it was a process and felt as if maybe I would be able to deal with the trauma of my rape and sexual abuse as well as all the other issues which had developed as a consequence. However this was not to be the case, due to my borderline personality disorder I ended up splitting my therapist in my mind and however much I tried, this could not be changed. From thinking “she is my saviour” to “she is trying to kill me”, which then led me to become dangerously suicidal. So having no real choice, the therapeutic relationship had to be terminated.
So I am left unlocked and wide open…
If you have any questions on my work, if you wish for me to exhibit in your gallery or would like to purchase a piece , please contact me via the form below, thank you.
To thank you all for the amazing support this year I am offering you all a chance to win an original painting by me!
These paintings are from some of my most popular collections and have been exhibited in galleries many times. Now you can own one for FREE if you take part in the special CHRISTMAS GIVEAWAY!
For a chance to win one of these 5 paintings all you have to do is take a look at the paintings below, choose your favourite, fill in the contact form below and share this post with your friends via Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.
The winners will be picked at random and will receive the painting they chose as their favourite when filling out the form and will be contacted via email within 24hrs of the winners being announced on Monday the 21st of December 2015.
Cats have been of extreme importance to me throughout my life of 31 years. Having reared kittens, rescued cats and met many along my journey, these majestic and complicated feline friends are to me more than beautiful creature but are inspiring and have become my best friends and even family.
I decided to start painting cats when I realised how important they were to my artistic process. My three cat progenies who my husband and I treat as our offspring (not as human babies) but as the wonderful species that they are, are called Omar (our 10 year old moggy), Isabella (our 8 year old Burmese) and our youngest Logan (a 5 year old Bengal).
They rush to greet us as we arrive home, they speak to us in a language which we have adapted to best understand one another, they are attached to us as we are them and require constant attention and care, which we are more than happy to give. We feel privileged to share our lives with our fury brood and at times when I am unable to leave my home or am so overwhelmed by sadness or trauma my phenomenal little ones comfort me and lick my tears away.
So I shall continue to honour the species I feel akin to by painting them and creating lasting impressions of them.
Here is my latest called “Lucy Loves Laziness”
Lucy was my Mothers cat when I was little, she was a wise cat, full of neurosis, who did not particularly like me, but I shall always remember her curled up in the flower beds, whilst keeping a watch out for small insects to eat.
Here is a look at the other cat portraits in my collection, most have been sold, prints available and greeting cards coming soon.
If you are interested in one of these or have a feline friend you wish me to do a portrait of please fill in the form below for further details.
Original paintings cost £55.00
Prints cost £25.00
Commissioned Cat Portraits cost £45.00
All images are 10″ x 12″ x 1″ and are on box canvas or high quality printing paper.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex and severe mental illness which I have and still struggle with on a daily basis. BPD is also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder and there are two types: borderline type and impulsive type, I have the borderline type. Which is a cluster-B personality disorder, this means a person with this disorder displays behavioural and emotional problems with instability, problems forming interpersonal relationships, issues with identity and self-image. Personality disorders are extensive and defined through inflexible patterns of maladaptive inner experiences and pathological behaviour.
Having been diagnosed at 18 after displaying signs as young as 15 I did not understand or even know what this “disorder” was? It was only in my late twenties when I was unable to rely on drugs, alcohol and reckless behaviour to mask my inner turmoil and just blame my lifestyle for my behaviour. As well as self denial there was no information or treatment offered to me so I just swept it under the carpet with my PTSD and Dissociative Disorder. However all this sweeping just made my mental health worse and I started developing more mental illnesses due to my avoidance. I now haveagoraphobia, Generalised Anxiety disorder and OCD and all of these developed due to me acquiring unhealthy ways of coping with my pain and instability.
I have been using art as a therapy since I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit at 15. Although I stopped during my avoidance phase, I still have used some form of creative therapy: writing poetry and journalling when I was unable to afford painting materials. I could always find a piece of paper and a pen, allowing me some freedom of mind.
Now I use my art in all its forms to express my journey and how BPD affects me, allowing more dialogue and engagement regarding this misunderstood illness as well as inspiring others to talk about their own experiences and hopefully encourage people to use a creative outlet when managing their illness or aiding in recovery.
Since receiving reliving trauma therapy for PTSD my mind has swollen and over-spilled with flashbacks and night-terrors. This intensive therapy has hurt like a thousand knives piercing my brain and heart, but with all intensive therapies it gets worse before there is any relief. I have yet to feel any deliverance.
The word ‘rape’ used to be an utterance I was unable to speak or think, the mere mention or thought of the word, would send me into a detached state, a complete shutdown and the escapist inside found a way of entering a safe place which was more like a dream world.
It took me 10 years to confront the word, not the act, just that word ‘RAPE’.
I had now accepted the word and what it meant for my continued existence, however I still can not truly accepted what has happened to me.
I still go over and over the incident, although the voice of society bullies my mind and the disbelievers ring in my ears. Telling me “but you fancied him? How could you not have wanted it?” and “But you are crazy, why would we believe you?”
Everything you could think of was used against me; my clothes, my mental health, home life and how well I knew my rapist were all used to justify what happened to me and I felt blamed, confused and as if I was deserving of it all.
Even after internal and external surgery caused by the rape, it was still said “she is so crazy she probably did the injuries to herself”.
The doctors, surgeons, police and mental health team all believed me and repeatedly told me it was not my fault and that the damage was clearly from forced intercourse and the bruises and marks were conclusive of restraint marks, but they were unable to undo centuries of victim blaming and misconceptions about rape, the world around me was singing from a different hymn sheet and I could not hear their support over the louder voice, saying “you were asking for it”.
The person who I needed to believe me was not my friends, family or even society, it was in fact me!
I only managed to do this, this year and strangely enough it was exactly 15 years since that day. Through reliving the rape in my therapy I was able to separate myself and all the other voices and see the truth. Although it was a relief to finally say to my 15 year old self “I believe you”, it felt as if it had just happened and felt more real than ever.
I am still struggling and receiving treatment. But as a survivor I decided to speak my truth, to be part of the change and help others like myself.
As an artist I have decided to raise awareness and help end the silence.
Here is one of my first pieces from this collection, which is accompanied by a poem.
Chained – By Charlotte Farhan
I was chained by my fear, after you held me down.
I was chained by your force, when my life was turned upside down.
I was chained by peers and the social pressure to conform, with not wanting to be different or to cause a storm.
I was chained by my clothing, which was used against me, as well as my self loathing.
I was chained by the trauma, which haunts me to this day and the wish for life to serve you your karma will never go away.
I was chained by you, by them, by me.
Chained by the idea that “I was asking for it”
I am still chained and wish to be free.
Thank you for reading.
Please share this post, be part of the change yourself.
At this present time I am working on an exhibition of art, sculptures and a book to accompany this project, to share my story, my suffering and my survival as well as highlighting rape culture in our society on a global scale.
Please help me in my campaign and like my Facebook page: