Losing My Identity is a depiction of the identity disturbance which people such as myself endure due to having Borderline Personality Disorder.
So imagine living your life with no sense of self, not knowing yourself from your past, present and future, how would this affect your day to day life?
Having a sense of self is something which as a species sets us apart from other animals and is a complicated subject within philosophy and psychology. Your identity is generally made up of your beliefs, attitudes, behaviour, personality, knowledge and what social roles you see yourself in.
Identity is formed in early childhood and then continues to progress and adapt until early adulthood, and by your mid-twenties a secure sense of self is common in most.
We learn primarily from our parents who we are, such as are we “good” or “bad”. This also inturn makes us aware of others and how we relate to them. With borderline personality disorder, however, the distinction between “good” and “bad” seems to remain as the only two variables in which to see themselves and others. This causes splitting which is the extreme shifting of black and white thinking, from idealisation and devaluation of the self and others.
Here are my accompanying poems which describe each identity which I have felt I am, at different times, never really knowing who is who, or if who I am is real.
She looks in control and some call her inspirational,
cold and frank, aggressive in her nature,
She doesnt need you,
from love to hate she swings,
people have tried, she simply withdrew.
She is a survivor you see,
no need to gasp or stare,
her only goal is to be set free.
Some try and disarm her, given half the chance,
but some know her well,
even at first glance.
She will protect you till the end,
resilient and fierce,
in this girl you can depend.
The Fragile One
She has no skin and could break at the slightest touch,
you rarely see her,
for being in public is simply too much.
Hiding behind her older sister The Survivor,
never allowing the vulnerability to be seen,
in her life she is not the designated driver.
For she is so vulnerable and sick,
infirm and weak,
if you want to offer her help, best be quick.
The Benevolent One
She believes in a higher purpose,
knowing we are here for a short time,
negativity is worthless.
Giving of herself always, never saying no,
wanting to save you and never let go.
A mother earth without a brood of her own,
offering wise words,
treating you as a precious stone.
She wants to save the world, and is certain she can,
waking up everyday with a mission,
wanting to prevent the fall of man.
She never grew up, she couldn’t you see,
trapped in time, searching for love,
she will give her love away for free.
Crying and screaming is how she speaks,
listen carefully and you may understand,
the tears say more, running down her cheeks.
She loves you, she hates you,
extremes are all she knows,
giving you a lot to live up to.
Building fantasies in her mind,
dreaming of a family who could never exist,
always filled with worry and fear of being left behind.
For further information on BPD please click here
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